And Still

    I guess I thought that after 2 1/2 years and a completely different life that the grief would be over.  For the most part it is over but there are still moments when it brings me to my knees.  The other day I was reading a pre-sale copy of Tricia Lott Williford's book And Life Comes Back, and the grief was as fresh as the day Tom died.  In the first chapter she recounts the day her young husband died unexpectedly and all those feeling that I try to keep so well tucked inside came raging to the surface as if it were yesterday.  

     I have read her story a number of times as I have followed her blog. Her husband died just 3 months before Tom.  I consider her a friend although we have never met.  I have spoken with her on the phone and Erin and I regularly discuss her blog as if we know her personally.  In a sense we do know her personally as she has shared her brutal journey with the world.  Never the less, it was as if Tom's death had happened yesterday.  I distinctly remember waking up that night and not hearing him breathing and not wanting to turn the light on.  If I left the light off then perhaps I would not have to face this harsh reality.  Denial would be a welcome visitor right then.

    Sometimes this lot seems just too much to bear.  First the brutal death of my husband of 30 years and then my own diagnosis.  I want to be happy, I truly do but happiness does not come easy right now.  I am grateful for God's perfect timing in my life and for bringing Steve at a time when I would desperately need him even though it felt too soon on some levels.  It felt a bit like I was not honoring my husband to even entertain the thought of someone else but as I look back I can see that God knew what I would need very quickly.

    I try to find the joy wherever I can.  A new kitty and his playful antics.  My beautiful grandbabies.  Sunshine, fall, coffee in the morning....  I try, I really do.  My life is so much better than 90% of the world but this fear that dogs me is often overwhelming.  I can deal with the plan if I know what it is.  It;s the not knowing that drives me insane.  At this point in my life I can't make plans for a vacation for a year from now because I may be back in treatment in a year.  I may have 5 years, I may have 30.  It is really not much different than it probably is for you except that I KNOW I have something that could kill me.  It is not a fun place to reside.  There is a part of me that would rather just know than to have this fear.  I know these feelings are not at all uncommon in a cancer journey and it helps to know that others feel the same way but man I wish I had a grace ticket around this journey.  It appears that the grace ticket it THROUGH this journey and not around it.  There are many days when I do not feel the grace.  There are many days when the pain of what I have gone through, what I am going through and what I cannot fix or control is just too much.  I wonder where is God in all this?  I do not feel the overwhelming peace that I felt when I was going through it with Tom yet every day I get out of bed.  Everyday that I feel I will be consumed, I survive.  Isn't the fear so often that we will not survive?   Or perhaps sometimes that we will survive?  In reality, I did survive and I am surviving. Today, I choose to live.  Today I choose not to focus on what I cannot fix.  I choose to let go of the broken relationships that cause me such pain yet I cannot fix it.  I choose to enjoy a kitty who wants to type for me.  To enjoy a man who thinks I hung the moon.  To bask in the glow of a fall day and sweaters and a fireplace and cross stitch.  Today I choose life and hopefully tomorrow I will have the strength to choose it again.

Dynamics

     Wow, can it really be that I have not posted since before my initial surgery?  How could I have gone so long.  As you know my surgery went well, I did my 6 full rounds of chemo and last week got a clean bill of health for this round.  I will get checked again in 3 months.  In the middle of all that I got married again to a wonderful guy who adores me.  I am so thankful he is in my life right now.

     The last 6 months have been perhaps the hardest I have ever been through.  I would not have thought it could get any harder than watching your husband wither away and die but I think this has been harder. Not for the reasons you might think.  I weathered surgery and chemo very well.  After I recovered from surgery I went back to work and with the exception of one round of chemo I never missed a day.  That one round took me out for a good week and I missed 3 days of work.  It nearly broke me emotionally.  But, all in all I have been very lucky.

     The parts that have been so hard are the navigating relationships.  Some have gotten better and some have truly suffered.  Our family dynamics have been turned upside down and inside out these past 3 years and we are all struggling to figure out where we all fit in and what our new roles are.  When Tom was alive we were the center of the wheel and the kids were the spokes going out of that wheel.  When he died I felt lost and did not know where I fit in at all.  When I began dating and married it has caused confusion for us all.  Steve and I will likely never be the center of the wheel.  We have our own wheel off to the side, spinning separately.  Some have completely pulled away and others have circled in close.  It is very odd for me to try and have my own life that is separate from my kids.  They have been my life for so long and I am in a spot where I really need to create my own life - separate from the life I had with them.  I don't know how to do that.  I don't know how to let go of the old picture.  I don't know how to let them experience their own growing pains and find their way.  It is the hardest thing I have ever done.

     You often tell me I am an inspiration and I find that perplexing.  I have failed in so many ways.  I am often un-thankful, depressed, angry and sometimes mean.  I am not who I wish myself to be.  I have regrets and many "I wish I had's".  But I guess we all do.  We all fail.  We all have moments of            un-thankfulness and regret.  The truth of the matter is that none of us escape this world unscathed.  As much as we would like to fix things as a parent, they will not escape without pain.  This life has pain.  We must each make our own way and that will include pain.

     My kids and myself have had an unfair amount of pain and it doesn't make sense to me.  I thought if you lived right and loved God that somehow it was a safety net but I have come to know that it is only a safety net in the respect that we believe He will take this pain and make something good out of it.  Living right and loving God does not give us a guarantee of a life without hardship and pain.  Wish it did, or we would all be signing up.

     No real conclusions here today.  Just my observations and my struggle to find my way.  All in all life is good but I flounder.  I struggle in so many areas and I am so imperfect.  I need that grace ticket right now.