Wow, can it really be that I have not posted since before my initial surgery? How could I have gone so long. As you know my surgery went well, I did my 6 full rounds of chemo and last week got a clean bill of health for this round. I will get checked again in 3 months. In the middle of all that I got married again to a wonderful guy who adores me. I am so thankful he is in my life right now.
The last 6 months have been perhaps the hardest I have ever been through. I would not have thought it could get any harder than watching your husband wither away and die but I think this has been harder. Not for the reasons you might think. I weathered surgery and chemo very well. After I recovered from surgery I went back to work and with the exception of one round of chemo I never missed a day. That one round took me out for a good week and I missed 3 days of work. It nearly broke me emotionally. But, all in all I have been very lucky.
The parts that have been so hard are the navigating relationships. Some have gotten better and some have truly suffered. Our family dynamics have been turned upside down and inside out these past 3 years and we are all struggling to figure out where we all fit in and what our new roles are. When Tom was alive we were the center of the wheel and the kids were the spokes going out of that wheel. When he died I felt lost and did not know where I fit in at all. When I began dating and married it has caused confusion for us all. Steve and I will likely never be the center of the wheel. We have our own wheel off to the side, spinning separately. Some have completely pulled away and others have circled in close. It is very odd for me to try and have my own life that is separate from my kids. They have been my life for so long and I am in a spot where I really need to create my own life - separate from the life I had with them. I don't know how to do that. I don't know how to let go of the old picture. I don't know how to let them experience their own growing pains and find their way. It is the hardest thing I have ever done.
You often tell me I am an inspiration and I find that perplexing. I have failed in so many ways. I am often un-thankful, depressed, angry and sometimes mean. I am not who I wish myself to be. I have regrets and many "I wish I had's". But I guess we all do. We all fail. We all have moments of un-thankfulness and regret. The truth of the matter is that none of us escape this world unscathed. As much as we would like to fix things as a parent, they will not escape without pain. This life has pain. We must each make our own way and that will include pain.
My kids and myself have had an unfair amount of pain and it doesn't make sense to me. I thought if you lived right and loved God that somehow it was a safety net but I have come to know that it is only a safety net in the respect that we believe He will take this pain and make something good out of it. Living right and loving God does not give us a guarantee of a life without hardship and pain. Wish it did, or we would all be signing up.
No real conclusions here today. Just my observations and my struggle to find my way. All in all life is good but I flounder. I struggle in so many areas and I am so imperfect. I need that grace ticket right now.
